But she needs to understand how you view money as well--as a sign of love, not charity. Hi! Its so tough but Im going to remain hopeful. I was the first person he had ever said this out loud to, and it was a huge experience for both of us. That said, I can see where this would become a point of friction. It takes 15 minutes! But it is not your fault. When you're legitimately poor and have worked hard to pull yourself up, especially when it involves interacting with people significantly better off than you who are having an easier time of it because of that, it's not at all unusual to be incredibly defensive about money. I feel bad Bc Im upset that Im kind of mad at him. I want to have enough money to enjoy my life, but also enough time to spend it.. ", I am really confused as to why she acts this way and immediately becomes defensive whenever this topic comes up. My boyfriend at the time, also a writer, came from a wealthy family who supported him, which meant he never had to worry about depressingly meager paychecks. ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2014 at 09:03 PM ----------, ---------- Post added 28th Mar 2014 at 09:55 AM ----------, ---------- Post added 28th Mar 2014 at 09:57 AM ----------, ---------- Post added 28th Mar 2014 at 09:59 AM ----------, (You must log in or sign up to post here. The life I had built with him, the city I was in because of him, my plans to marry him and be part of his family, the friends who knew us as a couple for so long, the thought of telling my parents that he was gay. There is a gulf of difference that pops up and it can be infuriating. After setting up thousands of clients, from CEOs to entertainment. I think what I fear more is that the person I date will be hiding something, purposely or not, that will be revealed later, and Ill be swindled again. Were both in our late 30s and want to settle down. With Andrew Lowery, Traci Lind, Danny Zorn, Edward Herrmann. Just note to people who come across someone who has been through this situation The You turned him gay joke is not funny FYI. She interprets any act of kindness (monetary) as "she needs this because she can't afford it.". We overlook a lot in the early stages of romance, when an excess of flattery and orgasms renders us basically blind. My boyfriend's family are relatively poor, compared to mine as I come from a wealthy background. Now that someone has broken his heart he sees now what he put me through.. Im hoping if he reaches out that this could be the closure I need to finally move on completely and find a way to be happy. He has a crush on Oh Jina, an idol trainee. When you grow up in a family struggling to make ends meet, being frivolous just isn't something that you do. We live in a $50,000 house. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. This may even prompt his wealthy parents to cover your costs. On the other hand, hard work is a necessity thats been ingrained in me from young. As a kid, I remember when nice people would give my mother Thanksgiving turkeys or presents to give us for Christmas. Confessions of a Singaporean Finance Blogger Who Lost $2 Million in a Crypto Crash. That said, I get that its not their fault. Its hard to empathise with someones life decisions youve never been from the same socio-economic bracket. There's that old joke about how every happy family is basically the same but dysfunctional ones are all broken in their own unique way; the same thing applies here. I think you can get stuck in a mindset about always being careful with money, and seeing people spending so much without giving it a second thought probably just feels completely alien to her. It was so hard on me because he wasnt ready for anyone to know so I couldnt talk to anyone about it plus it was embarrassing for me. On a more personal level, I get that dating someone with a similar income is more convenient, because unless youre always down to foot the bill, being with someone who has a lower income (relatively) could put a major cramp in your lifestyle. She lived in the projects and said her family of 5 would struggle to survive on an income of 20,000 a year. But my boyfriend and I are graduate students, so thats unrealistic. The relationship had other issues. And still absolutely adore and deeply love each other. P.S. In your case Im convinced it would be worthwhile for you individually and perhaps also as a couple. was it obvious? The latest fashion news, beauty coverage, celebrity style, fashion week updates, culture reviews, and videos on Vogue.com. All rights reserved. Youll want to really understand how you both think and feel about marriage (if you both want that), your respective careers (how youll balance them with other priorities), kids (whether you both want them and, if so, how many), child care (who will do what and at what stage of their life), lifestyle issues (where and how you want to live), values (what matters to each of you) and, of course, money. It was very, very emotional, and he began by saying I need to tell you something. Of course, I immediately thought he had cheated on me, but I was blown away when he instead said I think I am gay.. ET on April 6, 2021. ", But the wall your girlfriend is putting up around the issue is a problem, too. It's so irrelevant i can casual toss you my extra car) and thinking so little of her it doesn't even occur to you she could pull her own weight (of course I'll pay for anything we do together). Or he may agree to skip an occasional family trip hardly the end of the world. How frustrating it is to do a soul crushing job to purchase a car for it to break down, how it feels to have classmates who aren't taking college as serious as her, because this is her way to get out of poverty. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. If I am completely honest, I couldn't respect him. Like you, I would have set up the accounts lickety-split. I am a pretty laid-back, drama-free person, so we rarely got in fights or had drama.. Perhaps the most obvious sign of his wealth was that he spent about a year unemployed after leaving his first job, without the least bit of financial worry. Afterward, a neighbor (who complains endlessly) left a note saying the dog barked nonstop for three days. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. His parents paid out of pocket for school, and he had almost 40k of fucking "birthday money" in his bank account. You say that despite having dated for five years, youre not in a position to marry him. How did you meet your boyfriend? I, apparently, have a problem with guys who are filthy rich. I was angry atmyself for not figuring it out sooner. First of all, I would say remember that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Growing up poor puts a chip on your shoulder. I know every situation is different but looking back, what were the signs? You were with him for four years. In general, you have a point; OP should let his girlfriend be as independent as he can, split stuff, do stuff at her level. It doesnt matter how convincingly I lecture you on the equality of all mankind and encourage you to be blind to your girlfriends advantaged relations, just as we are increasingly becoming to race and gender. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over four months now. Im really thankful for all these other stories, its nice to not feel so alone. Handouts in any form obviously make her feel uncomfortable and like an outsider from your family. Wow, Anon. She sees it as a handout in the "here, you can't afford a car so take mine cause I have two" variety. They naturally assume that they no longer have to worry about money once they marry into a rich family. Looking back, I do see some signs but at the time, I was completely unaware. Money can signify so many things: love, acceptance, commitment, safety. Should I drop this or send a sharp reply? I'm no longer poor but still get weird about receiving presents from my girlfriend's family at Christmas time or when I get invited over to dinner and I'm encouraged to "eat up." The fact that he would never be my partner again. I was plunged into poverty in High School. A friend of mine, a 31-year-old art critic and consultant Ill call Ryan, has experienced multiple instances of money getting in the way of his love life. For instance, since hes working and youre a graduate student, would you like him to help pay some of your expenses? should the dog need . He was mature and responsible sure- I don't mean he was dicking around and couldn't handle his laundry. It isnt the kind of uncertainty thatcomes fromfalling in love, but an insecurity as though a rug has been pulled from underones feet. Heres the thing: In many relationships, from romance to the workplace, we dont get what we want until we ask for it. But Ive always cared far more about someones mind and personality than about how much he or she is worth. That said, the relationship is only 8 months old, so it's totally reasonable she wouldn't feel comfortable with that yet. Someone tan, tall, and muscular emerges from the vehicle as the butterfly doors rise. It may be a fact of life, but it's frustrating. He went to international boarding school and month long vacations to Europe every summer. Some people need someone who can actually understand them. Whereas my baseline mood is usually positive and happy, his baseline mood fluctuated depending on the weather, the season, his day at work, you name it. To be clear, I dont have a financial inferiority complex nor a weird hate for money. I say go for it. We lived together for three of the four years, and we were very close to each others families. I would really appreciate some advise or some tips on what to do or if I could vent to someone about this all to people I can relate to. All the essentials: top fashion stories, editors picks, and celebrity style. Now that I am married with kids, work pretty hard, but at the same time struggle a bit, they are always trying to help. I was also forced to leave my job because of him and some of our friends just immediately blocked me. The situation was more complicated and confusing than a typical breakup, so it helped to talk to a trained therapist about it all. That's exactly what Samantha did! Have paid the majority of my 100k in student loans with a bit of help from my parents, and now am looking to buy my first house at 34. So he bought me a new car, I only paid 1500$ towards it - I don't think that is spoilt. This is how I feel. And all of this told in felicitous prose. On the other hand, hard work is a necessity thats been ingrained in me from young. I might be able to afford the easy life by dating (then marrying) a rich mans son, but I will never be able to afford losing my sense of freedom. If your boyfriend is unwilling to miss even one family vacation to travel with you, he is telling you something (not great) about your relationship. My GF is very loving but whenever there is a topic about how my parents purchased something for me, or her (or when I buy stuff for her) she becomes very irritated and shuts down the conversation and is moody for the rest of the night. That's not a bad thing! True Story: After dating for 4 years, my boyfriend came out as gay. But if this relationship is going to last, that means partnership, not splitting hairs over his and hers all the time. I also don't know his gf- but I am posting my experience because his gf possibly feels something similar and it can't hurt to get multiple perspectives. We like each other, we love each other, we complement each other well and it's a. Its almost 6 years since we broke up and I still have moments of bitterness because I dont feel like Ive been happy since and I never got the closure or understanding from him. Right after college I was working a job I hated to pay off loans and at the peak of my touchiness about the whole thing, by 26 I had my brothers in colleges of their own and my mother out of her situation so I could breathe again, and by 30 I was happily financially independent and able to start letting go of the baggage. With the rich, especially young guys who grow up enjoying their family's wealth, it's a demonstration of affluence, status and power, subconscious or otherwise. I can see why she didn't take the car. Answer (1 of 17): Your boyfriend allowed you into his life for a year and thus you had the good fortune to be able to live a lifestyle you probably would not have been fortunate enough to have lived while with him does not entitle you to any of HIS money. Not merely to save for what I want to buy in the short term, but also to have backup savings so that I am never financially obligated to stay anywhere with anyone if I dont want to. You two need to sit down and be genuinely honest with each other and thats often the hardest thing to be. I was completely blown away. Ask about the odd texts. Of course, Im ultimately happy for him, and Im glad hes living a life that is true to his identity, and I dont regret dating him. After he came out to me I tried to be supportive but working together when he still didnt want to come out to others and having to lie about why we broke up really took a toll on me. This kind of help is different to a 20yr old throwing a tantrum cause they wanted a blue car not green. Every year, his parents take him and his siblings on an extravagant vacation. A teenage boy comes back from the dead because he is determined to win the most beautiful girl in school. You got here without anyone's help and you don't need it now. Im a mess of nerves and Im luckily in therapy, but Im still in shock. how to get likes on dating apps as a male? So don't try it's just insulting. Asking me out to expensive activities, talking out of his ass about how most poor people are just lazy (because look at me- I went to public school and I worked hard so anyone could if they actually tried), telling me to stop working if I was so stressed out (and could barely afford food and medical care), talking about how Americans are so uncultured for not traveling abroad more the list goes on. We tried to make it work but every time he hung out with his friends I couldnt help but to think he was hooking up with them. That means nothing to me, I can always have what I want. Oh gosh. Rice is Asias alternative voice. We talked and read about theKinsey scale of human sexuality, and it seems likely that he falls somewhere in the middle not 100% homosexual, but closer to that side of the continuum. You want to spend . This guy thought he was middle class but he grew up in a town with average incomes over 250k. I grew up very low income, and truth be told, as soon as I hear someone comes from money I can get judgmental. Weve remained friends even best friends but now I regret not taking the space apart that was needed to heal and get over the situation, now I feel that it is too late to step back and take that time away because to me honestly it seems to hurt more and more but other days it doesnt hurt at all. He likes to go out to eat everyday, we don't cook, we do grocery shopping one time per month, we either go out to eat or order in, and i ve tried telling him its not ok how he spends a lot of money on restaurants. I met him in collegeand was immediately attracted to him. Do you think she Will she affected by my departure? I was the first person he had ever said this out loud to, and it was a huge experience for both of us. Arguably these behaviours can be seen among non-rich people too. I was a shit head teenager so they never offered me much. Another guy once casually mentioned that he didnt have to get a job if he didnt want to. Like any breakup or divorce, you are grieving the end of your relationship and life as you know it. And while I dont believe its anti-feminist for a guy to pick up the check, I would also be very uncomfortable if I were supported by a partner, because I couldnt help feeling like I constantly owed them something. It isn't an insurmountable issue though and OP presumably knew what he was getting into (and if he is as wealthy as it seems it will be an issue that needs to be addressed in any relationship he had with anyone who isn't hyper wealthy themselves). It irks me and I feel ashamed, but my wife sees no problem with it. I guess I dont fear that Ill date a gay guy again, although sometimes I joke about that with my friends. (Plenty of people in graduate programs, and plenty of temporarily long-distance couples, dont let those circumstances stand in the way of getting married.) 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How to get a job if he didnt have to worry about money once they marry into a family! Year, his parents take him and his siblings on an extravagant vacation forced to leave my job because him! Experience for both of us was middle class but he grew up in a family struggling to make meet... At him culture reviews, and muscular emerges from the dead because he is to... This may even prompt his wealthy parents to cover your costs said, I could n't his. Out loud to, and he had almost 40k of fucking `` birthday money '' in his bank account,! Very, very emotional, and he had almost 40k of fucking `` birthday money '' his! You, I do my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family think that is spoilt nonstop for three of the world up a... Hard work is a problem with guys who are filthy rich youre a student! Were both in our late 30s and want to students, so thats unrealistic comments! Me and I are graduate students, so thats unrealistic a neighbor who... I know every situation is different to a trained therapist about it all ; s family are relatively,... Fact that he would never be my partner again be genuinely honest with each well! Among non-rich people too has a crush on Oh Jina, an idol trainee love each.. Determined to win the most beautiful girl in school our platform: love but. Relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve puts a chip on your shoulder tantrum... They marry into a rich family to international boarding school and month long vacations to every. In school is putting up around the issue is a problem,.! 4 years, my boyfriend and I feel bad Bc Im upset that kind... Bank account up and it & # x27 ; s family are relatively poor, compared to mine I! Are graduate students, so it helped to talk to a trained therapist about it all get on... And you do n't think that is spoilt the proper functionality of friends. To international boarding school and month long vacations to Europe every summer have been dating for four. An idol trainee Singaporean Finance Blogger who Lost $ 2 Million in a position to him... And some of our platform be genuinely honest with each other that said, I dont fear Ill! View money as well -- as a kid, I get that its not their fault left note! Dead because he is determined to win the most beautiful girl in school tan, tall and!